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Alonzo
Goodreads / Amazon / Barnes & Noble / iBooks / Kobo -- EXCERPT: ALONZO “Fort Collins Public Library, how can I help you?” “Yes. Hello. I have a question about a book.” “Yes, sir. That’s wonderful. I can’t wait to hear it.” “Well, it’s not a question about a book, per se. I’m looking for something specific. To read.” “Well, you’re talking to the right girl. I’m a book expert. I even have the pencil skirt, tight white blouse, severe ponytail, and dark-framed glasses to prove it.” “Hmmm. What’s your name? It’s just… I like to use a woman’s name when I talk books with them.” “Ohhh… Tara. I’m Tara. Do you… like women who talk books back to use your name as well?” “Hmmm. Intriguing question, Tara. I’ve never thought about it before. But yes. Yes. I’d like that. I’m Lonnie. A too-smart, button-down-shirt-wearing accountant who loves numbers and making things… balance.” “Balancing. I like that.” “You do?” “Mmm-hmmm.” “What kind of balancing are you picturing? Like… financial statements and checkbooks?” “Nnn-nooooo. More like… the kind of balance you need when a hot, sexy accountant is fucking you up against a wall.” “Oh.” “Sorry. My imagination is… well, wild. And I’m a bit bored at the moment. There’s absolutely no one else here in the library with me. I guess I’m just looking for a little fun while no one’s watching.” “Are you sure you’re a librarian?” “Positive. But I’d like to clarify one thing before we continue. I don’t mind people watching.” “Oh.” “Now tell me. What kind of specific book are you looking for? I’m excited at the prospect of pleasing you.” “This might sound a little weird, Tara.” “Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ve heard it all, Lonnie.” “It’s a very… odd trope I’m looking for.” “Trust me, Lonnie. I’m here to help. What trope are you looking for today?” “OK, so… it’s the one about the… well, let’s call him under-socialized—” “Got it. Our protagonist is a man who is maybe… an accountant?” “Exactly.” “Great. Keep going.” “And he meets this… other under-socialized person. Female. Maybe a…” “A librarian?” “Yes! Exactly. This accountant meets a librarian and they…” “Fuck?” “No.” “Have cam sex?” “Mmmm… not quite. But close.” “OK. I think I understand. But I need a little clarification, if you don’t mind.” “I don’t mind at all, Tara. How can I clarify?” “Well, this accountant. Can you give me a better description? Just so, you know, I can clearly envision this… book… in my head.” “Sure. He’s about six foot four.” “Oh, my.” “Yeah. He’s big.” “Big as in…?” “Tall. Yup.” “Oh.” “But he’s big in other ways too.” “Really?” “Yeah. Like… you know. Biiiig.” “Big as in… I can’t fit my hand around it?” “How big are your hands?” “Small to average.” “Then definitely not.” “I see. OK. Got it. He’s girthy.” “Exactly.” “What else?” “Well, his hair is light brown.” “Hmm. Eyes?” “Let’s go with hazel.” “Hazel green? Hazel blue? Or hazel brown?” “Hazel green-brown.” “Delicious.” “What?” “Oh. I’m eating pudding. And I just licked my spoon. It’s delicious.” “Pudding, huh?” “Mmmm. Pudding. OK. I have a better picture of our hero. But what of our heroine? This… librarian.” “Well… she’s a typical librarian. And you’re a librarian.” “That I am, Lonnie.” “Well, this librarian is on the small side.” “Small as in petite? Or small as in… not more than a mouthful?” “Petite.” “Oh. So she’s ample in all the right places. Like me.” “Like you, huh?” “Mmmm-hmm.” “And she wears… well, pencil skirts.” “Also like me.” “And a tight, white, button-down blouse that shows off her ample…” “Breasts?” “I was going to say ‘pocket protector.’” “Lonnie?” “Tara?” “You’re making this difficult.” “How so?” “I’m on my lunch break here.” “Oh, am I disturbing you?” “Not at all. I’m just waiting for you to get to the good parts.” “The part where they bond over books and numbers?” “No, the part where he talks dirty to her on the phone while she’s on her lunch break so she can come on her fingers and make him pretend to lick them.” I laugh. “It’s not funny. Come on!” “It’s roleplaying.” “I know. I’m done with it. I gave you the perfect in and all you had to do was say, ‘Yeah, the kind of balance when he fucks her against a wall’ and we’d be halfway home right now!” “Where’s the fun in that?” “You’re doing this on purpose! You know I only get thirty minutes for lunch today! It’s book club Monday and I’ve got every damn housewife in Fort Collins in here with her wine-stained book-of-the-month-club edition paperback acting like she’s all literate and shit.” I laugh again. “Lonnie. Phone-fuck me right now. Or I’m hanging up and never answering your pervy calls again.”
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